Expanding Our Definition of ‘Abuse’
Please note that we are NOT the original writers of this blog post. All credit goes to the original writers. Find the original post as published at this link: http://invictaselfdefense.blogspot.com/2013/05/expanding-our-definition-of-abuse.html
We, as a society, need to modify our definition of’abuse’ and expand our understanding of its scope, because operating from the narrow definition as most people understand it has profoundly adverse consequences for much too many women and their children. Lots of people (both men and women) understand the words’abuse’ and’violence’ to constitute the actual physical act of violence (striking, kicking, pushing, punching) with the result being physical harm. Often there are marks associated with this type of violence, and may serve as evidence of a physically violent incident. However, studies have found that while living with a physically abusive partner is terrifying, the long-term emotional effects of psychological or emotional abuse are significantly more pronounced. This sort of abuse is significantly harder to bring up for many women, because they feel as though they aren’t being hit, so there aren’t any issues. In actuality, many abusive men who push or slap their spouses do not view themselves as abusive because they aren’t hitting or kicking them. It’s interesting to see what constitutes abuse and violence for many. Thus, in order to clear things up, let us have a look at different types of abuse for which you must absolutely leave your spouse (notice that only two of them are physical).
Research points to the fact that men that are abusive rarely change, because their abusive mentality isn’t a mental defect, but instead, it stems from his core values. Lundy Bancroft explains the mentality of abusive men beautifully in his seminal book Why Does He Do That. Ultimately, men that are abusive are: CONTROLLING (they’ll use myriad techniques to exert and maintain control, whatever the effects on their spouse or their family), entitled (his feelings and needs come before everyone else’s constantly ), self-centred, possessive, insecure, manipulative, he twists things around so it’s never his fault, disrespectful to his partner because he feels superior to her, he confuses love and abuse, he strives to get a good public image, he feels justified in his actions, he reduces his abuse. Abusive partners are available in many forms, so let’s take a look at a few other types of abuse. It’s important that women operate with this expanded definition, because failing to do so means that (a) that they are willing to stick things out and hope things improve, and (b) are not as likely to report their abuse. This extends from punching, kicking, slapping to physical confinement in a room and also to less obvious forms, like even poking your spouse (if the intent is to cause fear, and for the purpose of management, such as in the case of a veiled threat). Physical abuse tends to get worse over time.
Sexual – any unwanted touch from your partner or a stranger is sexual abuse. Your spouse may coerce you into unwanted sexual acts through downright abusive language, or may manipulate your thinking by calling you a”prude”. Men are highly affected by porn, and since violent porn courses via the internet, many abusive men make the assumption that the women who are in porn enjoy the things that they see, so their spouse should equally enjoy doing these same things, regardless of whether they are degrading or humiliating. Furthermore, many girls in pornography are submissive, and are reduced to a human body and sex organs to the viewer, thereby heightening the abuser’s mentality that his partner is his possession and is only an object. For abusive men, porn has shaped their own sexuality and their perspectives of what’s acceptable since they had been a young boywhen abusive men realize that their spouse doesn’t find a slap in the face arousing, he thinks that is evidence of something that is wrong with her sexuality, not him. (1) Some men simply nag and control their partners into sex, even when she is in the midst of sleeping. Unacceptable.
Economic – there are many types of abusers. Some men force their partner to cede control of pecuniary matters to him, and just give money to her when he feels that it is necessary. Many guys have conned their partners from money, sometimes tens of thousands of dollars. This is another type of control.
Verbal – the abusive man will often use verbal assaults, telling her that she is no good whatsoever, that people are uninterested in hearing her thoughts and her stories, she is naive, stupid, uneducated, a bad mother, uncultured, blowing things out of proportion, that things are her fault, that she’s a failure, bothersome, hysterical, overly emotional, irrational, bad with money, and several other terrible things so as to maintain his control over her, and to make her believe that she’s nothing without him.
Psychological – continuous criticism, put-downs, manipulation, twisting of words around, minimizing the psychological impact his actions/words have on his partner, mood swings, passive aggression, threats, hostility, intimidation – all of these things can make the woman feel like she’s going crazy. The abusive man is somewhat of a chameleon, and he does what he can to project a positive public image, though he’s sometimes awful to his spouse only moments later. This two-faced demeanour makes it difficult for women to approach her friends or family for support, because she fears that nobody would believe that her enchanting partner would be abusive towards her. This sort of abuse can cause long-term and serious psychological problems for many women, including depression, anxiety, and a number of other serious psychological and emotional problems. This type of violence is also easiest to perpetrate, and abusers (and sadly attorneys, judges and police sometimes) will protect it as”free speech”.
I strongly encourage girls to leave a partner who’s controlling or abusive in any of the methods which were outlined above (easier said than done. Bancroft’s book has an entire chapter on this procedure. If you can’t get a copy of the book, call a women’s abuse hotline to request help. This is a great collection of resources for women in Toronto and its environs). The kinds of abuse and the examples I gave are just a very short overview, however, and I strongly urge women to do additional research and more reading on the topic, even when you are not currently in a relationship.
The first step in self-defense is always preventive – avoid these negative relationships to maintain a strong sense of self, and a healthy peace of mind. Look for red-flag behaviors that betray any of the values or mentalities of an abusive man, which I have listed above.
You are your own advocate for security, and knowledge is power.
Make the choice to avoid these relationships, or leave one if you’re in one. Why Does He Do That?